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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.